The Horseman's Dictionary
Author Unknown
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Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset. Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly. Big Name Trainer - Cult leader; horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them, as they have a link to "The Most High Ones" (judges). Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles. Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows. Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. Contracted Foot - The involuntary, instant reflex of curling one's toes up, right before a horse steps on your foot. Corn - Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots. Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil or a bath to his horse. Endurance Ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods. Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy, and buck his way around a show ring. Feed - Expensive substance used in the manufacture of large quantities of manure. Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give your horse something to chew on, scratch against, and jump over (see inbreeding). Filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt. Flea-Bitten - a condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats. Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over without being punished. Founder - 1. the discovery of your loose mare, some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or a cornfield. As in the phrase, "Hey, honey, I found 'er." 2. a condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner. Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on. Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn. Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses. Girth sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of midsection by fashionable large western belt buckles. Green broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the "Big Name Trainer." Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body. Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills. Hay - A green, itchy material that collects between the layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places. Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets. Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn. Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay. Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse. Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into. Hoof pick - Useful, curved metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoe. Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw. Inbreeding - Inadequate fencing Jumping- The natural movement of a horse being vaccinated or shod. Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed. Lameness - A chronic condition of many weekend riders. Lead Rope - A lengthy apparatus instumental in the adminstration of painful rope burns. Also used for the popular sport of Human Dragging. Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing. Manure Spreader - Horse Trader. Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds. Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8. Parasites - Small children that get in your way when you work in the barn...may gather in swarms at horse shows. Paris-site - The French Horse whisperer you hire when breeding to maiden mares. Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes. Pony - The true size of the stallion you bred your mare to, via TCS, which was advertised as 15 hand. Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organ flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in Halter Classes. Quarter Cracks - The comments that many Arabian owners make about Quarter Horse owners. Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns. Race - What your heart does when you see the Vet bill. Rasp - A tool usesd to remove excess skin from the knucke. Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with. Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and infest the rail sides at a horse show. Sacking Out - A condition caused by Sleeping sickness. (See below.) Saddle - An expensive leather device designed to give Rider a false sense of security. Comes with bult-in ejection seat. Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show. Sleeping Sickness - A debilitating disease afflicting broodmare owners. Can last several weeks. If disease remains untreated, it may last years. Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger. Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show. Tack Room - An enclosure where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put but cannot be found. Twisted Gut - That deep-down feeling that a rider gets when gravity is inevitable and cruel. Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon. Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory. Vet Check - What you write when you can't do it yourself. Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it. Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves. Wind puffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen. Withers - The primary reason men don't ride bareback. Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously. Young Stock - A general term for equines who are old enough to bite, kick and run you over...but not old enough to dump you on the ground. Zebu - A beautiful breed of Cattle that appear to be wonderful riders. |